Building Strong Grandparent – Child Relationships

Nora Rhoades, Family and Youth Development Agent

Grandparent’s Day has been celebrated since 1978 on the first Sunday after Labor Day in the United States. The holiday was proclaimed by former president Jimmy Carter. In his proclamation, he shared how our nation’s progress is a reflection of the wisdom and courage of our founding fathers. He pointed out the nation’s similarity to how a family is guided by its ancestors. Carter went on to explain how our elders have a responsibility to set the moral tone for the family and for passing on values and traditions.

It takes a village to raise a child.

When I reflect upon Grandparent’s Day, this phrase comes to mind. As an elementary student, I remember calling my grandparent with an invite to attend a special classroom celebration. We shared a meal together and enjoyed spending time in conversation and playing games. I was fortunate to have a grandparent close-by to accept my invitation to the party, yet I remember some peers smiling from ear to ear as they escorted a friend from church or their next door neighbor throughout the day’s activities. While the dictionary defines a grandparent as the parent of one’s parent, I to this day acknowledge the strong bonds observed of my peers with their older friend.

Lucky for all children, the benefits of spending quality time with a caring adult with life experience from a generation gone past speaks dividends for development and growth. A child’s brain is a sponge, responding to the environment and people surrounding her. Navigating things not well understood alongside a caring adult helps a child build confidence and develop a sense of purpose. There is no arguing that a parent is a valuable teacher in a child’s life. However, I can’t help but think that part of the Carter Administration’s intention of declaring Grandparent’s Day as a holiday was to mold into our American culture the value of establishing strong, healthy relationships with caring adults outside the parent-child construct. A grandparent –whether declared by your family tree or through genuine mentorship– is an adult whom can help balance the task of raising our future difference makers. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.

My challenge to you…
This Grandparent’s Day, and beyond, I challenge you to focus on being an intentional participant in your intergenerational relationship. Parents are often the conductors of routine in a child’s life. Routines are focused on pattern; they are designed with continuity in mind. I encourage you to elevate a child’s village by building strong, meaningful rituals throughout daily routines to affirm he is loved unconditionally and truly accepted as a unique participant in the pursuit of happiness.

Dr. Becky Bailey, an acclaimed author and educator, describes these valuable practices as I Love You Rituals. In her book referenced below she explains how rituals are connection focused. They’re the glue which holds a routine together. Without rituals, routines become rigid and lame. Routines help individuals of all ages inspire our brains to focus and cooperate. It is through rituals that children build confidence to understand emotions and develop a capacity to overcome challenges and acknowledge triumphs.

Strong rituals are strengths focused. When showing affection through a ritual, grandparent relationships have a unique opportunity to combine the strengths across generational lines. Combining the comfort of communication-past with communication-present provides a strong foundation for lifelong learning. It demonstrates to both the older adult and child that each person has an opportunity to be both the teacher and the learner. These experiences, when placed strategically into the structure of getting through the day, provide an authentic breath of fresh air.

I Love You Rituals are as simple as a special hand shake when you cross paths or a lullaby you sing together to prepare for a good night’s sleep. A virtual meet-up to read a story together on the weekend, a hand-written letter from the mailbox, or a safe, secure empathic hug demonstrating disappointment is okay. It can be joining together in shared verse before digging into your meal or a simple game you play while driving in the car.

Valued rituals inspire both adult and youth to be fully present in the moment. Rituals promote mindfulness, an active and intentional way of being where you are. Essentially, the most important component of a strong ritual is to convey unconditional acceptance and appreciation through a shared experience with a loved one.

“I Love You Rituals are gifts of love you can give your children. Since what you give to others, you strengths in yourself, they are gifts you can give yourself.” – Dr. Becky Bailey

Stop. Take a deep breath. Choose to be intentional this Grandparent’s Day. Your village appreciates you. I am forever grateful for mine.

The Post Rock District of K-State Research and Extension serves Jewell, Lincoln, Mitchell, Osborne, and Smith Counties. Nora Rhoades, Family and Youth Development Agent, may be contacted at nrhoades@ksu.edu or 785-346-2521. Stay connected with “Post Rock Extension” on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube. Our website is www.postrock.ksu.edu.

Content for this article is referenced from “I Love You Rituals” (2000) by Becky A. Bailey, Ph. D.